So You're 70

Congratulations - you've made it to the ripe old age of 70! You're older than Israel and Biffo the Bear. By now the novelty of a free bus pass has worn off and you'll never make it through the late night film feature without nodding off during the news. On the bright side, you can look forward to a new pair of knees and maybe even a new hip. And when they fail, you can enjoy making your way to the corner shop on your own top-of-the-range mobility scooter. AUTHOR Mike Haskins is a comedy writer for TV and radio. He has written for Steve Coogan, Simon Pegg, Alistair McGowan, Monkey Dust, Smack the Pony, Punt and Dennis' It's Been a Bad Week and Dead Ringers and has worked closely with Griff Rhys Jones on Smith and Jones, amongst others. Clive Whichelow is a journalist and comedy writer for Rory Bremner, Jonathan Ross, Spitting Image and many others as well as for the Mail On Sunday, the Express, and the Mirror.